Q:  How do you tell someone you don’t want to have sex?

A:  There are many reasons for not wanting to have sex.  These include:

  • wanting to wait until you feel more confident or committed in your relationship;
  • feeling too distracted by external factors such as exams, work, or fear that your roommate might walk in;
  • having concerns about sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy;
  • or simply, not being “in the mood.”
Whatever the reason, it deserves your attention and respect.  Sometimes these reasons are silenced because the individual is either embarrassed, intoxicated, or does not want to ruin the moment or hurt the relationship.  What often results is a sexual experience that is unpleasant or regrettable.  To avoid this scenario, follow the tips provided below:  

Be honest about your feelings and needs.  Expressing your reasons will help your partner understand your decision rather than leave him or her feeling hurt, rejected or confused.  It will also help you to reinforce and stick to your decision.
Be proactive.  If you don’t want to have sex, make it clear as soon as you sense sexual interest or pressure from your partner.  Opening phrases might sound like:


“This is awkward for me, but I want to talk about waiting to have sex;” or, “I would love to continue cuddling, but I’m too exhausted for sex right now.”


Avoid compromising situations.  Alcohol and other drugs decrease your ability to think and act according to your values and convictions.  If you choose to drink, moderate your intake so as to keep a clear head.  If you begin to feel out of control of your surroundings or of your partner’s actions, leave.


If you feel you’re being coerced into having sex, address it immediately.  Point out the behaviors that are making you feel uncomfortable or pressured.  If your partner’s reaction becomes overly hostile and angry, leave the situation.  If the problem persists, consider professional assistance.  

On-campus resources include Counseling and Psych Services located at Campus Health (520-621-3334) and Oasis Program Against Sexual Assault and Relationship Violence (520-626-2051).