Q:  My boyfriend likes to give me oral sex.  This is fine with me, except he gets so into it that it hurts.  I’ve tried telling him I’m ready to move on but he insists on continuing until I orgasm (or at least pretend to).  How can I get him to stop doing this without being awkward or hurting his feelings?

A:  Talk to him!  Giving sexual criticism may be uncomfortable and hurtful to your lover’s ego, but the discomfort and hurt of this solution pale in comparison to what it will be like if you continue to remain silent.  When you pretend to enjoy a sexual activity that is giving you pain, you are deceiving your boyfriend into thinking he’s being a good lover, and you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to have pleasurable sex.  Should this continue, you will likely begin to lose interest in sex with your boyfriend, thus leaving him confused and hurt by your change of heart. 

When giving sexual criticism, remember that it is not what you say but how you say it that will determine your effectiveness.  Here are some good tips:

  • Pick an appropriate time – when your partner is receptive, relaxed and reassured
  • Start by praising what you like about your lover’s sexual behavior
  • State that you’d like to request a change that will improve your sexual experiences together
  • Be specific about the behavior you would like him to change or discontinue
  • Discuss alternative ways he can give you pleasure during/or outside of oral sex
Dr. Judy Kurianski states that some lovers follow the rule in sex, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”  It could be that your boyfriend enjoys intense oral sex that brings him to orgasm and thus, is projecting that preference onto you.  A better rule when it comes to sex is this, “Do unto others as they would have done unto them.”  Be open with your partner about what each of you enjoy and dislike during sex. Communication and a bit of “show and tell” can do wonders for creating a fabulous sex life together.

Reference: Judy Kurianski.  (1998).  The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship.  New York: Alpha Books.